Overheard at the Papal Conclave Cocktail Hour

The following are actual, real, not-made-up snippets of conversations picked up on a hidden mic, by our very own Sub-Cardinal Frankie DelGiacomo on his trip to the Papal Conclave, during cocktail hour...

***

"Who do I talk to about getting the travel reimbursement? I’m still on the hook from the last conclave."

"Ha. You can forget that money, pal. At least you get to stay in the Vatican! I’m in a Sofitel on the other side of Rome. Deplorable. Maybe if they stopped consecrating Cardinals like they were giving out tickets to a Kevin Federline concert..."

***

"Hey, nice chasuble. Is that Brioni?"

"No, Armani Couture. Hand made."

"Really? Very nice."

[Hushed] "Actually it’s off the rack. But who can tell, right? I bet you couldn't tell, could you?"

***

"Cardinal Vincenzo, is it? From Mexico or something? Buenos Aires! Right. Joel Schmenglewitz. West Chester Diocese of New York. We meet at the Rio Conference in 2008, no?"

"You mean the Conclave to Elect the Arch-Bishop of Brazil?"

"No...I meant the Conclave to Re-Elect the Sub-Treasurer of the Carnival Float Committee."

[pause]

"Kidding! I’m just kidding here. Jeeze."

***

"Psst...I know a Bishop, I’m not saying names, but he’s giving 15-1 one odds on Cardinal Turkson for Pope."

Shhh!

"What? It’s all good, brah. The Regional Demi-Conclave of Altoona okayed inter-diocese gambling by individuals, in amounts under $500..." 

"No, just keep a lid on it or the odds’ll be down to even money by the election. Silentium aureum est! Put me down for 100 euros, would you? I’m good for it."

***

On cell phone:

"Yeah, and we need a guy standing on every corner with box of those little mini Virgin Mary-shaped vials of Holy Water. Yeah, and a box of 'Conclave 2013' t-shirts...right...right...the ones that say '#blackpope; on ‘em. You might print up some ‘Scola for Pope’ T-shirts too while you’re at it...but make sure they’re in Italian this time. And some of those ones with the face of John-Paul II looking like Che Guevara...yeah...JP still moves merch."

***

"Taste this. Does that taste like a ‘72 Chateaunuef du Pape? Huh?"

"No. More like a young Chianti."

"No class. See what you get when you elect a former Nazi?"

"Stop it. You never liked Benedict."

"Well what do you want? I’m a quarter Jewish. I never liked the way he looked at me."

"Probably because you called him Pope Hitler."

"Hey...I was REALLY hammered that night. See, back then they knew decent vino..."